Dear Jessica; On Growth and Moving On

Lake Turkana – Loiyangalani – 2016

28^th October 2017

Dear Jessica;

 There are certain gross things we do in secret which give us a weird sense of pleasure. Say, for instance, bursting a ‘ripe’ pimple and watching with satisfaction as the white stuff oozes out –  Or cleaning out one’s ears and staring at the wax-stained earbud with a sense of accomplishment. We are just but gross, slightly sophisticated animals after-all.

I digress, this wasn’t the point of this post. Neither is it to bitch about why I am up at 2am, stress-eating a giant bowl of creamy Fusili, listening to Yuna, drinking mint-fizz tea, feeling terribly needy- my mind burdened with thoughts about the world- fighting tooth and nail to dwell in the present; to live in the moment.

It’s funny how things change; how the universe seems to type out a new script for our lives every time we think we’ve figured out the one we got handed before. The scene flips; new characters come in, new props show up. Somehow, we have to improv because we are the main act, and the show must go on – by all means.

A time like this last year, I was spiraling towards a path of self-destruction, anger and despair. Mad at the world for dealing me raw cards. I mean, I had done everything right by the books, why was everything going in the opposite direction?  Now I realize how much of an entitled piece of shit I was. Thinking just because I thought I was “good”, I deserved all the nice things.

Things don’t work that way. The world owes us nothing.  Had I known this earlier, I’d probably have saved myself a lot of pain. But, oh well!

23^rd November 2017

Life is different now.  I am living a tale I couldn’t possibly imagine just a few months back.I have grown. My perceptions and thoughts have changed vastly – desires and dreams too.

I have learnt to view life as journey on sea. When the waters are calm; you must sit out on the deck, your legs stretched out before you – you must bask in the sun and let the rays dance on your melanated skin – you must let the saline breeze make gentle love to your face. And on the days when the sea is rough and the tide is high, you  must  hold on tight and strive to survive the storm. It shall all come to pass.

I have learnt to unlearn a bunch of toxic lessons that I was forced to learn when I was younger. I am learning to charter my own path through life. I am learning that only I can be the captain of my own ship. Much as I cannot control the sea, I can control the vessel in which I travel.

I am learning to love myself a bit more each day; to give that love without depriving myself. I have learnt that true healing comes from self-forgiveness and acceptance;- and so each day, I try to find a balance between not being too hard on myself and not allowing myself to wallow in the mediocrity that might come from accepting where and who you are in life.   I am learning to forgive others because man is to err. But just as I forgive; I must learn to protect myself from the toxicity of humans who are out to destroy rather than build; those who receive without bothering to give. I am learning to accept the impermanence of things and people; and to  enjoy them while they last. One must never mourn for spilt milk.

Each day , I grow a little, I become a bit better than I was yesterday; sometimes worse. But that growth is vital in defining what this whole  charade of life is about.