Hi Jess, Shad-y wrote you mail. By the time you’re reading this, he’ll probably be some famous person. That’s just how I see him. He’s probably the coolest, most interesting and talented human being I know . In fact, most times I live vicariously through his adventures. I will need an entire letter just to tell you about Shady. Now before I bore you. Here, read 🙂
I took this photo in Shela in Lamu Island (April, 2017) The sun had been in hiding the whole day and showed for a glorious exit just before the darkness loomed
Let me put this glass of whisky down before I spill it on my keyboard. You see your mum is not the biggest fan of my drinking habits; as a matter of fact she thinks I should stop. I know right? Booooring. For a minute there I rolled my eyes; or at least I tried to. You see I cannot roll my eyes, so what I do is roll my head with them. It is not exactly something you want to see and yet at the same time it is something you want to see. Word of caution though, once you see it you cannot un-see it.
First let us get protocol right; I am NOT an uncle. Do not try and coo and aah and say anko Shad this or anko Shad that. No. Just no. My name works perfect the last time I checked. Also I do not need a youngling making me feel older than I already am. I do not know what your mum has told you but I am barely a day older than 18. Also I do not have a birthday so I never age. In another life I am your mother’s fun alter ego. Yeah, she did not always wear kitenge and put lace cloth on the chairs. She picked that up in a freak porridge cooking accident. hehe
But let’s get serious for a minute. Your mum, she is one of the most resilient people I have come across in my 18 years on earth. She’s like a dog with a bone when it comes to something she wants. She will just get at it, gnaw, claw, nag, google heck she would even call up the ancestors on a cold breezy nights with two dry chicken bones if it helps her. I am not sure what you think about that now but trust me it is a quality that will annoy you. Because she will always be on your case getting you to do stuff you committed her to. She won’t let you off easy. But it will pay off. You will become a better person because of that. Well, as soon as you stop seeing it as a nuisance and accept that it is actually for your own good.
There must be a dozen gazillion portraits of you by now. Some hanging on your wall others hanging in the living room and some making you hang your head in shame when your friends visit. Trust me it is a good thing, I have known her for quite a while and she is obsessed with beauty. She will find it anywhere. It is like a rare talent, a gift sometimes a curse but it is hers all the same. What she is doing with all those pictures is basically her way of telling you that you are beautiful. Not the television, internet version. No, in her own way. Her camera lens goes beyond the skin, it peeps into your soul it see the secrets behind your smile and reads between the frowns. One day you will look back at all these portraits and realize that in them was a story. You know they say a picture is worth a thousand words right?
She loves tea. She serves them with anything; sandwiches, donuts, cake but what’s constant is the puns. She loves them with her tea. I mean if she has not designed a room in that house just for storing her puns and named it the puntry then there’s definitely something amiss. Shake her head for me. Check her blood pressure. And put her on a meme diet of at least twelve memes an hour. Maybe it is a dark past she is trying to hide from you, because mum’s are not supposed to be lame. But yours, gosh, she was queen of the uchininess. What word do you use now? Never mind I know it I’m 18 after all. If you ever need proof I have… sorry I mean my ancestors have a stock of screenshots of her back in the day. She lived the pun life. She was about the pun life. Once she almost recruited me to this dark side; myself and two other unsuspecting fellas. She wanted us to be the puntastic four. If she is ever feeling low hit her with one. You’ll see how that makes her feel.
Right now as I write this I bet she is craving food. She loves avocado. She will put it on anything. It is a shame they did not introduce an avocado filter just for her. She would even put it on as perfume if they designed one. She believes green is a sacred color because of avocado. And to be honest I think it is overrated. The magic fruit is the lemon. Which she will argue tastes well with avocado but do not listen to her. She’s clearly never tried taking an avocado bite after a tequila short.
Tequila? Oh that’s just some juice that went extinct. Don’t mond it.
Anyway. I got to sign off. Leave you to whatever it is us younglings do nowadays.
Not uncle, not anko just Shad.
Love love love
Reblogged this on FloEt and commented:
Hilarious! Absolutely love it!
I love this “Dear Jessica” series.
I hope Jess will one day love them as you do 🙂