Embracing Your Confusion; Be You

A monkey is busy digging through the bin on the drive-way. After what seems like 5 minutes, he finds a packet of Delamere yogurt, rips it apart and proceeds to lick it dry. He (I’m assuming it’s a he because, well, blue balls) then continues to search in the murk for tid-bits of left over food. He finally finds the Chapatis wrapped in aluminium foil that I threw away last evening. On seeing the jackpot one of their own had hit, the rest of the monkeys rushed into the scene as if on cue. A struggle emanates as each of them struggles for a piece. Kind of like the struggle and partition for Africa, only this time, it’s not for land but rather for food.

I am watching all this from the kitchen window as I do the morning dishes. It’s way past noon; the entire place is quiet save for the chattering monkeys and birds. This place seems like one of those forgotten towns common place in sci-fi themed series (Remember Under the Dome?).  Everything is surreal and perfect. Colonial style bungalows  (some a bit aged) litter the place;  cabbro paved pathways  connect the houses all surrounded by a mixture of native trees. The servants houses are tinier and some are made of timber (you can see Sukuma wiki and chicken running around in their tiny compounds). Outside each of the bungalows, a vehicle  is parked meticulously on the driveways.

 There’s a swimming pool on one end of the estate near the Member’s Club but it’s out of order; repairs are ongoing. The entire hood seems like a ghost town during the day; there are no people around.  Only a lone lady that I keep seeing seated outside her house the better part of the day ; staring into the distance.

It’s been just 4 days since I got here ;  there’s a sense of peace and contentment that’s engulfed my body, soul and mind ever since.  With all the stress factors and worldly troubles cast aside; I  can finally ponder and reflect about life  and my inner struggles. Unlocking that Zen level of self-realization.

See , I am one of those people that simply cannot fall into a particular “bracket”. And for a while, it has been a source of frustration on both my end and the people around me. I hate being told to describe myself because I don’t where to start; what to add or leave out. While being multi-gifted is considered a blessing; it can get frustrating because of all the confusion. You have no identity other than your confusion.  The fear of not belonging anywhere  is horrid. It can send you into moments of panic; moments in which you end up making stupid decisions .

You become jealous because everyone else who has specialized in something seem to be making it yet you’re headed nowhere with you restless feet. In those dark moments of jealousy; you suddenly feel insufficient and decide to drop off all the other things and settle for one thing you assume you are good at.  Only that you are digging you own grave, because, honey, your restless feet will never settle. You will die a little inside with each passing minute because you feel like a fraud; a betrayer of your own passions.  Then you will start hating yourself again and vent out your self loathe as resentment towards people who seem happy.

This post is for all those people with restless feet. People who cannot seem to decide what it is they want to be because they have so many faces; so many identities to relate to: Other people will never really understand you, so quit trying to make the world understand whom you are.

Embrace you dynamism and confusion and clothe in them with pride. You see most folks want you to be  a normie; get an education, get a job , gather some cash,  get married, have kids , raise a family; age; die. It’s the cycle of life that society is used to .It makes us feel safe when we can understand the next person; when we can put them in a certain box and define them. I call BS on that. Stereotypes. You don’t have to live life by the society’s rule book. You don’t have to kill all the personalities you have just because someone else did not have as big an imagination as you do. Go on, be all the different shades of you that you can become. Be as many things as you want to be . Heck, be Red Cow!  (Remember that dude from Cow and Chicken?)

Let not anyone pester you with the dreams you keep chasing; some may be futile and unrealistic; but at least you are chasing them. You will pick up new interests and drop old ones along the way; same thing with talents. I keep discovering interesting things that I didn’t know I was good at everyday. That’s how life should be.

The reason why most of us are frustrated and unhappy with our lives is because we are trying so hard to put ourselves into a little box by defining ourselves with certain titles. We want to refer to ourselves as sapio-sexuals; introverts; extroverts; artistic et al.  Who says we have to be just one thing; why is it so hard for people to accept the fact that we can don all these different “descriptions”. I for instance will be all chatty and talkative today and shut the rest of the world out the next day; on some weeks I will read all the books I can find and on others, I do not want a book near me or my family; one day I will pick up a camera and shoot all the things I can find; the next I’d have zero interest; some days I will write like my life depended on it; the next I will struggle to contort one line. Mood-swings; some people may call it. But hey, isn’t that what being human is all about?

I have done so many useless things in my lifetime so far; but then equally, I have done stuff I consider important; and  I am certain, should I live long enough; that my children and grandchildren will have pretty interesting tales about my younger self to listen to.

All I’m trying to say is that; we cant all live life by the same script. Stop trying to chase titles and acceptance. Live!  If you see a path you fancy; follow it. It might not lead you where you imagined it would; but you will see and meet interesting things and people along the way; learn new stuff and all. The adventure will be worth it.