To the Man I Used to Love

Today I woke up with a start. Again. My heart was beating rapidly; lips and throat were dry. Sweat was dripping from my temples. I had that nightmare again. It’s been going on for the past couple of months. Each night, it gets clearer; the scenes keep changing.; but the ending stays the same.

I fumble for the pack of cigarettes on the nightstand. This is the only thing that keeps me sane lately. Time to light one up.

The memories begin flooding in. Remember that fateful day as we waded through the mud on a rainy night? You said that indeed your love was strong; you’d never imagined yourself doing such things for a girl. You promised that you’d love me forever. Our whole life was figured out.

We’d finish undergrad, get jobs, move in together, get married, have babies; a boy and a girl. We’d take care of each other, always be there for one another. We’d not end up like other young couples. ours would last through old age.

I loved you. Even more than my own dear life.  I was selfish, but I loved you all the same. The love I had for you was consuming. It scared me at times. Turned me into a fiery woman that I was afraid of. And sometimes I was cold and indifferent, because I didn’t wasn’t you to see how needy I was. I didn’t want you to know that you were my life.  My life meant nothing without you.

Remember all those passionate nights? I’d scream your name and you mine. It was beautiful. We’d collapse into each other’s arms . Happy. Sated. I never wanted it to end.  I never wanted to experience what we had with another man, neither did I want you to do the things you did to another woman.

I was overly defensive; possessive. I never wanted to see you talk to another woman. You  were a nice person, and I didn’t want you to be as nice to the other girls in your life. I wanted all that to myself. I guess that’s where I went wrong. Love blinds. Love makes us very selfish.

I wanted you, wanted more than you were willing to give. A rift grew between us. The cold begun. We began drifting apart. We talked less, our intimacy faded. I wept, didn’t know what to do.  How does one save a sinking ship?

I watched helplessly as our love-life begun wrecking. I was a spectator in my own life. No one of us wanted to take the first step to salvage the relationship. Pride.

And so that night when we broke up for real. I stood there in awe. The shock written all over my face. The tears came in torrents. I knew things were headed south, but I never thought we’d reach this point. And I did what a woman in a position would do. I begged you to stay.  I cried my heart out. Promised that I’d change. I’d pick up all the pieces and glue them together if I had to. But you said you’d had enough. You didn’t like me that way anymore. “Lets just be friends” 

Those words pained me; knife straight through the heart.

What happened to that boy that loved me? What happened to the man that worshipped the very feet I stood on? How can I sleep at night knowing that you now love another woman as much as you loved me? Whenever I close my eyes I imagine you doing to her the things you used to do to me; saying to her the words you used to tell me.  I imagine you touching her with the fingers that used to touch me. Rage fills my veins, then grief and the tears fall of their own accord.

It wasn’t meant to end like this. I cant move on. No one can fill the void that you left. You ruined me for other men. It isn’t fair. You are supposed to be the man I used to love , but in real sense, you are still the man I love.

If faith could move mountains, it would bring you back to me.

——

Darn, it’s 6am already. Time to get ready for work.