Ladies: How to Keep Your Man…

So of late you’ve been having issues with your man; he just doesn’t seem to be that into you as he was at the start of the relationship. Worry not, here are a few tips to get you ‘bae’, ‘boo’ or ‘hun’ back. You know me, I just love to help.

1. Bombard him with texts all day:  You’ve got to text your man every minute you’re free. And if he doesn’t reply, call to ask why and it better be a damn good reason. How else will he know you love him? Safaricom didn’t come up with free texts for nothing. And if he subscribes to 200 texts and sends you 195, go ballistic on his ass till he sends you documented proof that the other 5 were sent to members of his immediate nuclear family.

2. Stalk him on Social Media: A good woman knows what her man is up to; you gotta stay on top of your game lest some other woman steals him from you. Retweet his tweets all day, and if you see him flirting with some lady, favourite that tweet so he knows bae is watching. Like his updates on Facebook. Don’t as much as let him breathe without you being there. I hear men like suffocating affection. Thank me later *double wink*

3. Invade his circle of friends: it’s in the bible. Once you start dating a man, his friends automatically become your friends, even his so called ‘sisters’. You gotta follow your man everywhere he goes and do everything he does. It may seem like you don’t have a life, but who cares? So long as you mark your territory, right?

4. Nag him incessantly: Men have this weird habit of pretending they don’t like nagging women. Don’t be fooled, they love that shit. How else will you get him to be a better person if you don’t ‘remind him ceaselessly’? You also have to complain about how he’s not a good boyfriend and tell him of how person so and so treats their girlfriend like a queen. Never show the least bit of contentment with your relationship lest he relaxes and starts treating you wrong. You have to keep him on his toes all day.

5. Eliminate Privacy and personal space: If you want your relationship to flourish, you have to get rid of privacy and personal space. The moment he started dating you, he became one with you (again, it’s in the bible). As thus, all his personal space merged flawlessly with yours. His phone’s password is as much yours as it is his. You have every right to go through his phone if you so wish, and read his texts. And only a caring girlfriend will call the girls who text him at   11pm and tell them to back-off. Your boyfriend will be very grateful, trust me on this.  He may get the impression that you are a little psycho and try to run away, but being the dedicated girlfriend you are, I doubt you’d let him as much as get space to escape.

NB: Disclaimer// Only fools and psychopaths will follow my advise.Heck, people are weird nowadays. Who knows? 

Moral of the story; If you have to fight for a man’s attention every minute of your life, there’s something wrong with you. Get a hobby, find a job, knit a sweater or something. Relationships come and go; the excitement fades after a while. When that time comes, you’ve got to learn to let go. You don’t need to cling onto a sinking ship when there’s a life boat that can save you.