THE FRIENDZONE MANUAL : INTRODUCTION

Last night I read a piece dubbed “The Real Housewives of Campus” by a female blogger on BlogSpot (www.vehlmedia.blogspot.com) and I couldn’t help chuckling a bit intensely to myself. The manner in which the writer portrayed ladies who gave their boyfriends or “husbands” for that matter, “housewifely” benefits was too hilarious. In as much as these backward women who stand for everything female revolutionaries fought against exist in campuses across the country, they are but a handful.

Introduce the modern day Queen Sheba, aka the Friend Zone Mistress. This is not your typical average campus girl but one who has mastered the art of sexless seduction or as others would unkindly refer to as “Friend zoning”.  Just like Queen Sheba, they use their feminine wiles to lure the Trouser Wearing species into doing whatever they want.

I tend to think men’s minds become almost paralyzed in the presence of a beautiful woman and thus their inability to dispute orders meted on them in the lovely “pretty please” voice that never fails to work.  Maybe it’s because these men secretly hope that they will get something in return, say a little tumbling in the sheets, by agreeing to commit to endless favours.

However, the number one rule for the Queen Sheba effect to last is never ever to give in to sexual advances. All power is rendered useless once the forbidden is done.

How then do you gain control without the Vagina power you ask?? Easy! Step One, find a bunch of nice guys and become thoroughly friendly with them. I put emphasis on “nice” because bad boys have a way of breaking themselves from the bondage of the Friend zone.  This variety of nice guys may be obtained from study groups, your class mates or from Church (sounds evil, right?)

Step Two, flirt with the specimen once in a while but ensure that boundaries are set and kept in place. Give them a flicker of hope that maybe someday things might evolve and you might be more than just friends. However, do not come out too strongly or your prey might flee citing desperation on your part. Be subtle, sexy and ladylike.

Step three, reward them with your good company and voila! You have mastered the art.

Now all you need to do is create a versatile network of your own, tailor make it to suit your requirements. A true Friend Zone Mistress must have a go-to guy for everything. Be it the more traditional “come help me change my bulb” or the “come install windows 8 for me” type of guy. Remember the motto here is “why do it yourself when it can be done for you?”

Ensure that your domain is a diverse as can be. Campus makes it all the more easier. Get at least one friend from each department. You could always do with an Architect, an Engineer, and Economist, Doctor, Pharmacist or Sociology major…et al. You never know when you will require their help so the best thing is to keep them in the loop.  Keep in mind that a friend zone once firmly established is difficult to destroy unless of course you morph it into something else other than what it was initially created for.

And it’s as easy as that. Be smart. Go ye and establish your own Friend Zone Kingdom. You won’t be disappointed.

NB//: Disclaimer; the author is not responsible for setbacks that may occur from following the above described advice. ™