The sad moment in one’s academic life when you just can’t seem to understand stuff however hard you try. You stare at a page for hours on end but all you keep doing is drifting away. The fact that you may have an exam just a night away does not make matters any better. Self pity sinks in and you begin wondering whether the stuff you’re reading is hard or maybe you’re just too dense….sigh!
I am going through the exact same state of mind at the moment and I have reached the stage where I have resigned to the fact that my cognitive abilities may not be as good as I had earlier on envisioned. Perhaps the effects of wear and tear have become too drastic for my brain to handle. Maybe I am indeed growing stupid and who knows what will happen next? And the questions begin racing across my mind, what if I turn into Reece from Malcolm in the Middle?? What if C’s will be the best I ever get? What If I turn into Blondie who has no inkling of how the earth originated? (Hypothetically, this would be impossible seeing as I am African in every aspect)
What if I turned into Nick from My Family…what if??
I can’t help but ponder on what my fate would be if such were to happen. If I had the drop dead gorgeous looks then perhaps a rich bloke somewhere would consider having me as a trophy wife and it would have worked out just fine. But then again, here I am an average Jane by all means in the looks department, I have nothing exceptional, well, except maybe for my hair; I have no incredible talents or gifts, neither do I have skills that other normal human beings do not have. If by the devil’s wishes I were to be just a wee bit denser than I am, then my middle name would spell “disaster”.
I may not be as smart as Einstein in the Science domain; neither do I have a vast understanding of Philosophy and Astronomy. Heck, I am not a literature maverick, neither am I anywhere nearly as good as Dickens, Ibsen, Shakespeare and the likes. I definitely ain’t the next Marie Curie neither do I foresee myself innovating stuff and turning into Steve Jobs. Were I good in sports perhaps there would have been a bit of hope…but well, here I am, stuck in between. I don’t know what I am or am not anymore. I keep telling myself that I am headed in the right direction but quite frankly, I don’t even know which damn path I am treading on. I am a bit of everything, all shades of colour, quite confused and undecided. I know I can’t have everything, yet, I am too afraid to let go…What if I let go of the most important things and hold on to that which is utterly useless? And so I choose to keep everything within arm’s reach, trying to be everything at the same damn time. I am basically a walking transformer on overload.
I know it is an unwise move…I know I should live one step at a time…I know. But fear gnaws the depths of my soul, the grace to carry it through is lacking. Maybe I do need help, maybe I am psycho…but then again, maybe I am not half as stupid as I think I am. Sure, I am not Marie Curie, but I have the ability to transform my thoughts into words, I can tackle a few sums here and there. That’s all I need to be happy really. It could’ve been a lot worse, darker and hopeless. I know I am not the best, there are millions out there better than I am, but there can only be one person who is best at being me, and that is me. Gibberish, I know, but a girl needs to remind herself that she is still worth the salt every once in a while….
Your writing has really matured 🙂
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With age comes maturity 🙂
It is a good thing you recognize the existance of the phase. You will end it if you want. It takes time, sacrifice and perhaps pain but one way or another, it will be worth it. Do it the phoenix way– rise from the ashes. Nothing can bring down your spirit.
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Girl, you think too much, like me. I love when I find a kindred spirit. And you are right. There’s only one you, tone down on the comparisons and do you. 🙂 You never know what Leah Kanda will do soon and even shock her very self!
Other than that, I love the piece. Adrenaline-laden.
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There’s a word I want to use but it’s failed me. It has a ‘crisis’ somewhere. You need to get yourself together. You know what to do. Cheers!
i know i need to…i just dont know how. the Confusion Phase is too much